Two Twenty-Four, 2006: An American Tragedy.

This morning was like no other in memory. A violation occured....an attack like nothing I had ever seen. This attack, on this day Two Twenty-Four has changed my world forever. My Two Twenty-Three innocence has been shattered forever; that world passing into distant oblivion.

Immediately inside the door of the storage room where I sometimes work, I found the remnants of my Cup-O'-Noodles. All gone! Everything. Finding the wreckage all seemed to play out in slow motion; the events then looped in succession over and over in my mind. Rats had perpetrated this dastardly deed. They had lain waste to the "Spicy Mexican" and just to add their own hideous signature to the whole event, had pooped all over the "Creamy Chicken" and left.

Of course, this is not a moment for weakness or indecision. I must act swiftly and deliberately, sparing no expense, striking out against the evildoers in order to make Montclair a shining light for democracies all over the Bay Area. My battle cry: "Remember Two Twenty-Four!"

Let's roll.

The War on Rats begins up the hill at Huckleberry Park. Armed with a Black & Decker Weedwhacker and God at my side, I shall strike fear into the hearts of squirrels with a campaign of shock and awe. The neighbors, dog-walkers, and nature lovers will all greet me with flowers, rice, and candy as I leave the ground strewn with the twisted corpses of those little dead-enders. I sling my weapon over my shoulder and get a piggy-back ride from God. Our next target in the War on Rats: San Jose.

Where else? Plenty of raccoons down there. Stay tuned (actually, don't. Go watch the Olympics.)

This November, Vote Eleanor Roosevelt For President in 1982!

I continue to confuse those who have the misfortune to be standing close by when I roar like a lion about the sad state of affairs today. For example, I was on the public record a year ago for wanting the Giggling Chimp to remain president. When they stole the election, I felt alternating pangs of disgust and relief. Relief because I knew that Mr. Bush probably wanted deep, deep down inside that he would not be re-elected. I mean....this president stuff is hard work, man!

Furthermore, the Democrats have not yet realised that Republicans are assholes and want to eat your children. Not all Republicans, mind you, just the vast majority who subscribe to this new party vitriol and post-rational ethic which dictates that anyone in opposition is a slimy, evil anthrax sniffer. Modern election campaigns have reflected a new Republican marriage between religion and playground brawls, first perfected by Lee Atwater in the Eighties and later by his protegé, Karl Rove. For example, when running a campaign against a Democrat, you must not only spend more money and work the press well, but you must walk up to your opponent and sink your teeth into his or her liver, take out a good mouthful and spit it down their miserable throat. As your opponent is writhing and quivering on the ground at your feet, you must take his or her blood and smear "Helter Skelter" and "Pig" on the nearest wall. Afterward, turn around to chase your opponent's family down the street with a giant meat cleaver waving around overhead as they shreak in fear for their lives. The Republicans have turned this into an art form in recent years, greatly assisted by the media of talk radio and Fox News.

But that's okay, the Democrats have NPR............

You must excuse me. Yesterday I had quite a dose of Ann Coulter and have not yet recovered my senses. The problem isn't that there are Ann Coulters or Father Coughlins or even Adolf Hitlers in the world. It's the fact that there are so many who take them seriously and buy their books, or passively condone the filth oozing from their pores (and so many others who just don't care). And the Democrats are in constant fear of "upsetting" people like that or their neurotic supporters. Ann Coulter is the Bitch of Buchenwald and if you dropped her out of a B-17 bomber into the forests of northern Germany back in '41, she'd have sniffed her way to the nearest concentration camp and filled out a job application before you could say, "apple strudel."

Although the Republicans have set themselves up as the dominant party and control the terms of behavior and thought in today's political and economic discourse, their manipulation and theft of elections have been the key and shall remain the key to their dominance well into the future. And this isn't your grandfather's garden-variety ballot stuffing or poll tax; this is high-tech stuff, and it's very simple.

This isn't a pointless rant and I certainly do not advocate that Democrats become assholes and eat children too, at least not yet. Actually, all the élan in the world will not change the fact that elections will again be stolen later this year. That is correct; elections will again be stolen this year, compliments of the United States of Diebold. What I do not know is what the red herring, hot-button social issues will be which will divert attention from the real crime being committed. Maybe it will be gay Major League baseball players or a fake anthrax attack on Squirrel Poop, Arkansas. Nobody knows, but rest assured that nobody will care unless drastic actions are taken which will cause the masses to stand up once and for all.

My proposal is this: I need some dedicated computer hackers who will take part in a super-secret mission this year to elect Eleanor Roosevelt for President in 1982 all across the country in all races for public office. After careful thought, I decided that Ms. Roosevelt will have made a better choice than Joan of Arc or Mortimer Mouse, both of whom did receive careful consideration.

The idea is to turn the next election into more of a farce than it has already become. Democrats have cowed to pressure against even bringing up the issue of stolen elections; possibly fearing the wrath of Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity. Many technology activists have echoed the fact that electronically stealing elections is simple. Like the Republicans, I believe that taking that in mind, when there's a will, there's a way. This time around, we must bring this to light on a grand scale; therefore, we should take this national! For example, your touch-screen vote for Bob Casey this year (if you live in Pennsylvania) will bring up not Rick Santorum, but Eleanor Roosevelt. And this will happen all over the country in every senate, house, gubernatorial, and even dog catcher race. All votes will automatically register as "Ms. Roosevelt for President, 1982."

Initially, I see many in the mainstream media applauding the choice of another Roosevelt as president, especially Eleanor, who would become the first female commander-in-chief. Cokie Roberts, Chris Matthews, NPR, Leslie Stahl.......everyone will see this as the dawn of a new era in America; for women and minorities as well. And then there will come a rumbling in the liberal blogosphere. Word shall emerge that in fact, it is not 1982 anymore. Heads will turn; eyebrows will raise; eyeballs will pop out of sockets and fall to the floor. The Sunday morning talk shows and NPR may actually follow suit. The debate will then shift to the idea that Eleanor Roosevelt unfortunately could not take office anyway because in fact, and quite unfortunately...she is dead.

Could there have been foul play, considering that 92% of Americans voted for a dead first lady to win the presidency in 1982? In time, the issue of electronically stealing elections will become tangible...real...and unable to be ignored.

I have twice heard Jessie Jackson speak and on both occasions, he stressed the importance of people getting out and voting. I came to see that as the single most important thing we citizens could do to preserve this great democracy of ours. Then George W. Bush became president, which pretty much nixed the voting idea. Now, I believe my faith in the ballot box has been restored; all I need are some hackers. Any volunteers?

Highlights From My Dog Sputnik's First Movie

Go Sputnik Go!

This is a scene from a new film called, "Rat Race With a Chihuahua."

The Olympics Who Stole the Grinch

I have to admit that along with Chunky Chicken sandwich spread and twinkies, the Olympic Games remain one of my guiltiest of pleasures. Ever since the Great Boycott of 1906 (or was it the Earthquake of 1980?), the games seem to have been falling into a deep hole of commercial and political muck; although one could make the case that things just weren't the same after they canned tug o' war as a sport back in the Twenties.

The 2002 games in Salt Lake City made me ill. I understand that this country wasn't too far past the attacks of 9-11 by the time the torch was lit up in the Wasatch Mountains, but I look back on that whole episode and still scratch my head in wonder. Many readers may remember the military-style uniforms of the American team and the flag from the Trade Center that was brought into the stadium on opening night. And there was that monkey George W. Bush acting...like...important and stuff, heehee, lol. As usual, NBC covered the games as maple syrup covers a big stack of flap jacks...all gooey and mushy with little American flag toothpics covering the top. Michelle Kwan once again fell on her ass and a no-name sixteen-year-old from upstate New York came in won the gold medal. And then she disappeared again. The games ended, the days passed, we invaded Iraq, and then it was time for the Winter Olympics once again. This time, snowboarding was included.

What can I say? I still watch the Olympics: they still excite me; I still complain about them; I still watch them; nonetheless, these games in Torino confuse me. One week into the bacchanalia, here are my thoughts:

You have to start off by giving NBC a little credit. They have broken their own precedent by not exclusively showing only events dominated by Americans in prime time. Furthermore, they have also played gooey, maple-syrupy human interest stories about athletes who are NOT American (yes, that's "non-Americans" for those snowboarders reading this). I have seen them with my own eyes....it is true. Perhaps this is the case because most of the marquis names on the American team, from Bodie Miller to Michelle Kwan, have turned bust, but one still must give credit where it is due. Bravo, Mssrs. Costas and Ebersol!

Figure skating: So long, Michelle! We hardly knew ya....well, we hardly know you were any good. At least you could speak English, unlike the snowboarders; which brings me to...

Snowboarding: Gooooooooooood moooooorning, Meth Nation! What an appropriate sport to be introduced in the Age of Bush! What an appropriate sport to be introduced in the Age of Bush! What an approp- oh, you get the picture. Just grab a Schlitz and tell mom to shut up. We got some cowabunga shit to shred.

Actually, I have to be honest and say that I've enjoyed watching most of the snowboarding. And the events seem to be fairly competitive and not just dominated by American Ridilin-mongers (did I spell that correctly?) By the way, is Ridilin a banned substance this year?

Alpine skiing: Bodie Miller sucks, dude!

Nordic skiing: The Norwegians sucked....again, but don't tell them that.

Curling: I have no thoughts about curling because I do not have cable TV.

Naked Super G Slolum Ping-Pong: Just checking to see if you're still awake...

Ice hockey: Miracle on Ice, Part II: the Mongolians upset the Russians for the first time since 1232 AD. That alone is not the miracle....the miracle is getting a hockey team in the first place.

Luge: Miracle on Ice, Part III...just make that American snowboarder who looks like Danny Bonaducci on acid lay down at the top of the track and give him a good kick. Who needs a sled anyway, dude??? Result: two gold medals for the American snowboarder who looks like Danny Bonaducci on acid.

Epilogue: My closing thoughts on this first week of the games are dedicated to the American female snowboarder who not only won a silver medal, but lost a gold medal too....all in the same race: if you need a hug, I live at blah blah blah 37th Avenue, San Francisco, California, 94121.

Over....and....out.

Rawhide!

Willkommen....

I was going to begin my blog with a touching story I heard on NPR this morning about a new anti-spitting ordinance passed in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan last Thursday. Instead, I have a tale to share which will make some of you weep and others furious; and yet hopefully some readers will take these words and love their country just a little more than they did this morning when Old Man Alarm Clock belted out that damned "Pennsylvania Polka."

This is a story about military food.

It was a long time coming. Just this morning, the Australian Network SBS released photos of Iraqi prisoners facing all kinds of torture and abuse at the hands of their American captors. Although the story was first revealed over two years ago, these new photos are certain to further inflame passions stirred recently by cartoons depicting the Prophet Mohammed as a tuna fish sandwich. Along with the photos depicting prisoners engaged in sexual acts, covered in poop, or displaying signs of obvious extreme physical and psychological torture, one photo was particularly horrifying. This photo showed several unnamed men turning Iraqi prisoners into frozen Jell-O pudding pops.

Yes, the Pentagon decided that Iraqi prisoners who were not a reliable source of intelligence were at least a good source of protein for the troops. And they proved to be pretty tasty with the troops as well. Last week, it was revealed that some of those found to have been torturing prisoners were not military police or intelligence personnel, but Halliburton food service workers, who through years of experience had found that beating a prisoner is a great way to tenderize their meat prior to preparation. Older prisoners also tend to have more increased levels of adrenaline during torture, which significantly lowers the fat content of their meat.

Shocking as this may sound, it is not without precedent. First, a brief history:

General Andrew Jackson was the first to record the phenomenon of eating captured prisoners of war and/or insurrection. During the War of 1812, a terrible drought decimated the varmint populations of the eastern half of North America, cutting off what was the main food source for the American Army. Being masters of living off the land and known for innovation, the Americans quickly found alternatives....alternatives wearing red coats! Jackson is known to have commented on this practice in recently discovered letters from his estate, noting to his wife as to the general blandness and lack of good taste of the British.

Historians have recently discovered that in fact, it was Capt. Abraham Lincoln during the Black Hawk War of 1832 who first suggested cooking hapless captives before ingesting them. Some say that this inspired Lincoln to join the Republican Party later on, but of course, this cannot yet be confirmed.

Later on, General Douglas MacArthur will always be known as the first to recommend a nice Merlot to go with the main course, which in this case were Filipinos. He also became famous for introducing California Barbeque during the First World War. It cannot be denied that he had exquisite taste.

The US Army had finally met it's match in Vietnam. In their long, proud history of making the world safe for Microsoft, the Americans had never faced an enemy equally determined to match skills in the kitchen of war. And the war was never easy, never popular, and unfortunately for the Republican Party, never won. Although tactically superior to the NVA, the Americans just couldn't get the ball into the endzone. Of particular note here, the experiences of American POWs in Hanoi were a particularly disturbing, yet somehow uplifting chapter in this sad story.

Consider Lt. Commander John McCain. Shot down over North Vietnam in 1968, McCain was taken prisoner by a local squad of Viet Cong guerillas and marched several hundred miles to a cramped, dank little bamboo suite that had his name on it. Knowing full well the disgrace inflicted upon so many American POWs before him and that he faced being eaten alive by the communists, Lt. Commander McCain attempted to eat himself rather than succumb to dishonor. The Vietnamese commandant of the Hanoi Hilton was so impressed with McCain's steely resolve to chew off his own arm that he promised not to eat him or any of the other Americans held captive at the facility. McCain, however, would not stop, so the Vietnamese had to break his jaw a couple times prior to his repatriation in 1973.

Since the Geneva Convention does not cover the preparation of enemy combatants for personal consumption, the Pentagon has gone to great lengths to set down very strict guidelines covering everything from nutritional standards to recipes for some of it's vegetarian warriors.

A recently declassified Pentagon study from the summer of 2003 found that normal channels of supplying and feeding military personnel were becoming increasingly cost-prohibitive due to logistics problems and the increasing reallocation of funds to other theaters of operation. Localization of food supply and streamlining operations were two very important goals of this report. Enter Halliburton.

Another recommendation listed in this exhaustive study caught my eye: "26 (a) ii: Due to high uranium levels found in Iraq children from the southern and central regions, it is recommended that Turkmen and Kurds would be more suitable for consumption..." Frankly, I was stunned. So the Pentagon finally confirms the use of depleted uranium. How will the American public accept this new bombshell? This promises to raise a few questions on NPR's "Morning Edition". Could our troops have been eating contaminated Iraqis? Who, if anyone, was in charge of food testing? What are the standards currently used? Who knew and when? What was the chain of command? Do they taste better than Haitians?

The explosiveness of this issue cannot be underestimated. When NPR finds out that the very youngsters being served to the brave men and women fighting in Iraq were, in fact, radioactive....Terry Gross might just....stutter. But the allegations of sexual abuse only complicate matters further, as it is commonly agreed that sodomizing men, women, and children before you eat them is morally repugnate and very undemocratic, as well as a public relations disaster, considering how the Muslim world, outside Turkey, views sodomy.

This might even require a new round of tax cuts.