The Olympics Who Stole the Grinch

I have to admit that along with Chunky Chicken sandwich spread and twinkies, the Olympic Games remain one of my guiltiest of pleasures. Ever since the Great Boycott of 1906 (or was it the Earthquake of 1980?), the games seem to have been falling into a deep hole of commercial and political muck; although one could make the case that things just weren't the same after they canned tug o' war as a sport back in the Twenties.

The 2002 games in Salt Lake City made me ill. I understand that this country wasn't too far past the attacks of 9-11 by the time the torch was lit up in the Wasatch Mountains, but I look back on that whole episode and still scratch my head in wonder. Many readers may remember the military-style uniforms of the American team and the flag from the Trade Center that was brought into the stadium on opening night. And there was that monkey George W. Bush acting...like...important and stuff, heehee, lol. As usual, NBC covered the games as maple syrup covers a big stack of flap jacks...all gooey and mushy with little American flag toothpics covering the top. Michelle Kwan once again fell on her ass and a no-name sixteen-year-old from upstate New York came in won the gold medal. And then she disappeared again. The games ended, the days passed, we invaded Iraq, and then it was time for the Winter Olympics once again. This time, snowboarding was included.

What can I say? I still watch the Olympics: they still excite me; I still complain about them; I still watch them; nonetheless, these games in Torino confuse me. One week into the bacchanalia, here are my thoughts:

You have to start off by giving NBC a little credit. They have broken their own precedent by not exclusively showing only events dominated by Americans in prime time. Furthermore, they have also played gooey, maple-syrupy human interest stories about athletes who are NOT American (yes, that's "non-Americans" for those snowboarders reading this). I have seen them with my own eyes....it is true. Perhaps this is the case because most of the marquis names on the American team, from Bodie Miller to Michelle Kwan, have turned bust, but one still must give credit where it is due. Bravo, Mssrs. Costas and Ebersol!

Figure skating: So long, Michelle! We hardly knew ya....well, we hardly know you were any good. At least you could speak English, unlike the snowboarders; which brings me to...

Snowboarding: Gooooooooooood moooooorning, Meth Nation! What an appropriate sport to be introduced in the Age of Bush! What an appropriate sport to be introduced in the Age of Bush! What an approp- oh, you get the picture. Just grab a Schlitz and tell mom to shut up. We got some cowabunga shit to shred.

Actually, I have to be honest and say that I've enjoyed watching most of the snowboarding. And the events seem to be fairly competitive and not just dominated by American Ridilin-mongers (did I spell that correctly?) By the way, is Ridilin a banned substance this year?

Alpine skiing: Bodie Miller sucks, dude!

Nordic skiing: The Norwegians sucked....again, but don't tell them that.

Curling: I have no thoughts about curling because I do not have cable TV.

Naked Super G Slolum Ping-Pong: Just checking to see if you're still awake...

Ice hockey: Miracle on Ice, Part II: the Mongolians upset the Russians for the first time since 1232 AD. That alone is not the miracle....the miracle is getting a hockey team in the first place.

Luge: Miracle on Ice, Part III...just make that American snowboarder who looks like Danny Bonaducci on acid lay down at the top of the track and give him a good kick. Who needs a sled anyway, dude??? Result: two gold medals for the American snowboarder who looks like Danny Bonaducci on acid.

Epilogue: My closing thoughts on this first week of the games are dedicated to the American female snowboarder who not only won a silver medal, but lost a gold medal too....all in the same race: if you need a hug, I live at blah blah blah 37th Avenue, San Francisco, California, 94121.

Over....and....out.