This November, Vote Eleanor Roosevelt For President in 1982!

I continue to confuse those who have the misfortune to be standing close by when I roar like a lion about the sad state of affairs today. For example, I was on the public record a year ago for wanting the Giggling Chimp to remain president. When they stole the election, I felt alternating pangs of disgust and relief. Relief because I knew that Mr. Bush probably wanted deep, deep down inside that he would not be re-elected. I mean....this president stuff is hard work, man!

Furthermore, the Democrats have not yet realised that Republicans are assholes and want to eat your children. Not all Republicans, mind you, just the vast majority who subscribe to this new party vitriol and post-rational ethic which dictates that anyone in opposition is a slimy, evil anthrax sniffer. Modern election campaigns have reflected a new Republican marriage between religion and playground brawls, first perfected by Lee Atwater in the Eighties and later by his protegé, Karl Rove. For example, when running a campaign against a Democrat, you must not only spend more money and work the press well, but you must walk up to your opponent and sink your teeth into his or her liver, take out a good mouthful and spit it down their miserable throat. As your opponent is writhing and quivering on the ground at your feet, you must take his or her blood and smear "Helter Skelter" and "Pig" on the nearest wall. Afterward, turn around to chase your opponent's family down the street with a giant meat cleaver waving around overhead as they shreak in fear for their lives. The Republicans have turned this into an art form in recent years, greatly assisted by the media of talk radio and Fox News.

But that's okay, the Democrats have NPR............

You must excuse me. Yesterday I had quite a dose of Ann Coulter and have not yet recovered my senses. The problem isn't that there are Ann Coulters or Father Coughlins or even Adolf Hitlers in the world. It's the fact that there are so many who take them seriously and buy their books, or passively condone the filth oozing from their pores (and so many others who just don't care). And the Democrats are in constant fear of "upsetting" people like that or their neurotic supporters. Ann Coulter is the Bitch of Buchenwald and if you dropped her out of a B-17 bomber into the forests of northern Germany back in '41, she'd have sniffed her way to the nearest concentration camp and filled out a job application before you could say, "apple strudel."

Although the Republicans have set themselves up as the dominant party and control the terms of behavior and thought in today's political and economic discourse, their manipulation and theft of elections have been the key and shall remain the key to their dominance well into the future. And this isn't your grandfather's garden-variety ballot stuffing or poll tax; this is high-tech stuff, and it's very simple.

This isn't a pointless rant and I certainly do not advocate that Democrats become assholes and eat children too, at least not yet. Actually, all the élan in the world will not change the fact that elections will again be stolen later this year. That is correct; elections will again be stolen this year, compliments of the United States of Diebold. What I do not know is what the red herring, hot-button social issues will be which will divert attention from the real crime being committed. Maybe it will be gay Major League baseball players or a fake anthrax attack on Squirrel Poop, Arkansas. Nobody knows, but rest assured that nobody will care unless drastic actions are taken which will cause the masses to stand up once and for all.

My proposal is this: I need some dedicated computer hackers who will take part in a super-secret mission this year to elect Eleanor Roosevelt for President in 1982 all across the country in all races for public office. After careful thought, I decided that Ms. Roosevelt will have made a better choice than Joan of Arc or Mortimer Mouse, both of whom did receive careful consideration.

The idea is to turn the next election into more of a farce than it has already become. Democrats have cowed to pressure against even bringing up the issue of stolen elections; possibly fearing the wrath of Ann Coulter or Sean Hannity. Many technology activists have echoed the fact that electronically stealing elections is simple. Like the Republicans, I believe that taking that in mind, when there's a will, there's a way. This time around, we must bring this to light on a grand scale; therefore, we should take this national! For example, your touch-screen vote for Bob Casey this year (if you live in Pennsylvania) will bring up not Rick Santorum, but Eleanor Roosevelt. And this will happen all over the country in every senate, house, gubernatorial, and even dog catcher race. All votes will automatically register as "Ms. Roosevelt for President, 1982."

Initially, I see many in the mainstream media applauding the choice of another Roosevelt as president, especially Eleanor, who would become the first female commander-in-chief. Cokie Roberts, Chris Matthews, NPR, Leslie Stahl.......everyone will see this as the dawn of a new era in America; for women and minorities as well. And then there will come a rumbling in the liberal blogosphere. Word shall emerge that in fact, it is not 1982 anymore. Heads will turn; eyebrows will raise; eyeballs will pop out of sockets and fall to the floor. The Sunday morning talk shows and NPR may actually follow suit. The debate will then shift to the idea that Eleanor Roosevelt unfortunately could not take office anyway because in fact, and quite unfortunately...she is dead.

Could there have been foul play, considering that 92% of Americans voted for a dead first lady to win the presidency in 1982? In time, the issue of electronically stealing elections will become tangible...real...and unable to be ignored.

I have twice heard Jessie Jackson speak and on both occasions, he stressed the importance of people getting out and voting. I came to see that as the single most important thing we citizens could do to preserve this great democracy of ours. Then George W. Bush became president, which pretty much nixed the voting idea. Now, I believe my faith in the ballot box has been restored; all I need are some hackers. Any volunteers?